Earlier this week, my running coach told me that if I worked up my running distance throughout the week that I could build up enough endurance to run a mile in under 7 minutes and 15 seconds.
Had he not told me, I wouldn’t have known. It’s not like I’m trying to improve my time or qualify for anything. I run because I know it gives me more energy. It also helps me builds up consistency in all areas of my life. In fact, I wouldn’t run if I didn’t have a group that I was running with because I don’t naturally push myself outside my comfort zone. However, I do know that I will do it if I put myself in that environment. So I go every week even though I don’t want to.
When he said this, I remembered that 6 years ago (at my “fittest”) I ran a mile in under 7:15. It was so exciting to think that this was possibility for me again.
So this morning, when I opened up my window to discover that the sky was full of gray and morning dew I eagerly put on my running shoes.
As I’m leaving for my run, I look at the messes that I am fore-going, thinking about the IG post that’s not going to get posted, and the recipe book that’s still not finished. But I whisper to myself “Just go DeeDee.”
After a 2 mile run in under 20 minutes, I walk into my home to find the kids wailing because breakfast isn’t on the table yet. In a frenzy, I whipped up breakfast and got the coffee going when all of sudden I am struck with these thoughts “Why is this such a mess?! “Ugh, I wish I had more time.” “I’m never going to get that recipe book done.” So naturally, I lashed out. Thankfully not at my kids this time, but at my husband.
“If you could wake up earlier and help me out that would be great! Why the hell do I have to do everything around here?” –> I am not proud of the words that came out of my mouth.
However, at this point in my life I can acknowledge soon after that I’m actually really frustrated with myself.
The truth is: I’m not running a mile in under 7:15. My house still has areas that look like homeless people could set up camp. That IG post may not even get posted today. And well that recipe book, I don’t even want to think about that right now.
I know I’m choosing to look at where I’m falling short instead of where I’m winning. Logically, I know change takes times. I am choosing to be impatient. With all the mindset work I teach my clients and practice on myself, I realize that I’m self-sabotaging the progress I’ve made this week. I am choosing not to look at the small victories that will propel the forward momentum but instead I’m freaking out about how much I still need to do. It is so discouraging to see the world with these glasses on.
You see our mind doesn’t want us to change. We’re just wired that way.
My mind doesn’t yet believe that I can be a clean person. It doesn’t yet believe that I am capable of running a coaching business while being a “good mom”- whatever that means.
I know that my mind wants to keep me safe because change is hard and scary and it’s so much easier to stay the same. Am I right? I mean think about the things that you want to change so badly, yet completely give up on when you get overwhelmed.
Are you having similar thoughts in those situations? If so, I’m not surprised. It’s a normal human condition to want to change and yet give up by self-sabotaging our efforts.
My friend helped me discover this morning that self-sabotage is a naturally occurring thing like self-conviction. It is something that we will always struggle with, because again, we’re just wired that way.
So it does me no good to beat myself up for feeling discouraged with my progress.
It just is what it is.
If you’re a believer, it’s like I’m trying to fight my natural desire to sin. Doesn’t that sound so silly? Now that doesn’t mean I get the free card. I have overcome sins I no longer want to act out on. It doesn’t mean that I no longer have the desire to sin, it just means that I can now identify the desire to do something I want to do AND not act out on it. I have accepted that I will probably always struggle with wanting to sin in particular ways but I don’t beat myself up for having those thoughts anymore. There’s a difference between believing who your mind wants you to be and fighting your mind (daily!) to help you become the person you want to become.
The struggle will become less and less discouraging as you continue to act in ways that align with the person you want to become.
You guys, I ugly cried on my husbands’ chest this morning as I apologized for lashing out. Truth is, I still want to give up just as much as you do every single day. However, as of this morning, I realize wanting to self-sabotage is just something that’s just a part of my human condition and there’s no reason to fight it anymore. I will keep moving forward, keep pressing on, keep feeling the difficulty of the change until it is just a fleeting thought that no longer tempts me to give up.